I spent the week traveling with my husband and kids so we could all be together as he worked and we prepared to head to Seattle for his CT scan. We have been enjoying and treasuring God's miracle for 8 wonderful weeks. I don't think I can ever explain what it is like "preparing" for a scan. I tried to find peace and strength from what God has already shown me. I reflected on how God blew the doctors away as my hubby's lungs began to clear the last scan. I wanted to feel that again and find my confidence. It was scary because I have heard words from doctors that have left a wound in my heart and thoughts and images I have to continually fight. I have to think about what I know it true. God loves me and I will never be alone. He is and will always be with me.
So as the scan became closer I began to feel that shortness of breath and pounding heart. My husband had his scan Thursday night and we would go on Friday morning for the results. We were blessed to stay with friends who allowed me to have a day to just "be". I spent time praying. I spent time just closing my eyes. I read scripture and the book Saturday Nothing (which by the way is amazing). I was distracted, focused, nervous and calm all at the same time.
Waking up Friday I felt as if things were heavy and slow. I showered. I got dressed. I remember reaching to put on my wedding ring and feeling strong as I placed it on my finger. I reached into my travel bag and found my deodorant. I then reached down to grab my body spray. That is where I remember freezing for a second and slowly having to put it back. I could not just go about my normal routine. I could not wear "body spray or perfume". Fragrances can make people undergoing chemo sick. There are signs everywhere at hospitals and doctor offices reminding you of this. As much as I wanted this to be a normal day, I knew it wasn't. I was still in the world of scans and cancer. I trusted God and knew that He was working a miracle. I kept reminding myself that it was going to be a clear scan that could only point to God. I had to believe this.
We left our kids with great friends and began our drive to the doctor. We were tired but hopeful. We were sitting in the actual exam room at 8:40 exactly. We both looked at the clock and then at each other. Any minute. Any minute, we would have the results. The doctor popped in around 9:00 to say he was coming. He gave us a warm handshake and was gone. We didn't say much to each other. We rarely do in these times. We both are in survival mode and pressing into the presence of God. I sat across the room from him. I began to recite these words in my head and I think each time I said it...I became bolder.
I know who goes before me.
I know who stands behind.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
REPEAT. REPEAT. REPEAT. and REPEAT
I looked over at my husband and prayed for protection of his mind and heart at the very moment. I prayed that he could feel the presence of angels around him. In my mind I get the image of almost a gang. A gang you don't want to mess with. A gang that will not ALLOW any harm to come your way. I like this gang a lot!
Finally around 9:25 the doctor came into the room and shut the door. My hubby said something nice and began to shoot the breeze a bit. The doctor began to pull up images on the computer and we both moved in closer. If anyone has ever lost a baby during pregnancy you might understand the fear of looking at an ultrasound you don't understand. My husband and I experienced that with our first pregnancy. You don't really know what you want to see or not see. After a few quick scrolls the doctor finally said the words I was praying and believing we would hear. He said, "this looks good".
We asked some questions and he just kept coming back to it looking good. He did say there are some small specs but he is not convinced those specs are cancer. They could be anything and they do not look or act like cancer. So this is very, very good. Our God is very, very good. Of course with our history we have to be very pro-active and watch those specs. I rather they just go away but I will not be choosy. I am just thankful. Thankful that I could feel those angel armies. Thankful that God can trump any doctor or diagnosis. Thankful for my hubby. Thankful for the huge gift of being a wife. Thankful that God continues to change me.
We both knew that Friday would be a life changing day. I can't say for sure what I would have said or felt if that scan had gone differently. It would have been devastating. However I can say with 100% confidence that God is good and we would fight and find strength in his Word.
Even with good news I am changed. My faith is big. I had big expectation and hope in the Lord. His Word is true. I am learning about passion and what that really feels like. This is not the kind of passion that send you flexing in front of a mirror but rather the kind of passion that leaves you vulnerable to the Lord and his plans for you. I am learning about who I am and finding I think I had it all wrong. The feeling and emotions I have are intense and again I am trying to sort things out. We have celebrated a bit and tonight at church I cried tears. Big rolling tears that felt good. I am sure I had the ugly face cry going along with the trembling lip but I didn't care.(bonus to it being dark) I was overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit and love of God and I am thankful.
Thank you for your prayers. I am inspired and ready. I can feel God calling me. I know I have miles to give. He has so much to give through me.
Love you all!! Keep on Keeping On!