Saturday, October 27, 2012

I Want Out

 I am not sure where to start but a friend suggested that I write through my feelings. I feel like I am a bit in shock and have some serious emotion sorting to do to figure out how I am going to process our latest news but here goes...
 
The pathology came back confirming that is was a return of the sarcoma in my husbands pancreas. The twist was that when they took it out it was hard as a rock. It was filled with calcification which made them to believe that it is now acting more like osteosarcoma. Osteosarcoma is some nasty stuff. Even though it is rare some people have heard of it. If you have a story about it good or bad please spare me. I can't deal with another story...they all seem to end bad. Either way we will probably never know for sure but they decided to treat it like it is.
 
The worst part of this is that they want to do chemotherapy. I am pretty sure all chemo is horrible but they braced us that what we are about to endure is the worst of the worst. It will result in my husband being HOSPITALIZED almost 3 weeks a months for 6 months. Yes you read that right.
I can't even believe I just typed that. For half a year my husband will not be able to work and instead feel like $#$%*. This hurts my heart so badly and I feel so angry that he has to suffer and that his children will suffer. Everyday I pray that God would take it all away and that he would be protected from any more of this crap.
 
We are fighters. God didn't give me a timid spirit. I will cling to hope and what's left of my little mustard seed as long as I can. Right now we feel run down, weak, scared and out of energy.
We are trying to enjoy a few weeks with our children before it all begins. As a mother and wife I don't know how I am going to do this. Just thinking about it makes me feel angry.
 
I have honestly been eating through my emotions and don't really care. Pounds are racking up but again I don't care. I have a hard time finding reason to push on at times. It all seems so overwhelming and I have zero tolerance for crap. Just sayin'
 
During our second week in Seattle (waiting for my hubby to heal) we stayed with some great friends (Katie and Steve). What was so amazing about this experience was that not only did out friends open their home and care for us but I was able to see my friends loved ones rally around her as well. Encouraging words and gifts felt like little blessings during some dark days. I was able to spend time with old college friends who loved on us as well and bent over backwards to help me navigate so many things. THANK YOU!
 
Katie is a fitness instructor and she had two back to back classes so she put me in this snazzy outfit (tiger claw shirt...WHAT?) and off we went. We did an hour of Hip Hop Hustle followed by an hour of Turbo Kick. I was a sweaty mess and full of tears by the end of it. It felt good to punch and kick and feel strong. I needed it so much and was so proud watching my dear friend lead the way. I have so much gratitude and thankfullness for this relationship. Katie was at the hospital almost every day (along with other amazing friends) and did all she could to provide distractions and support.
This pic was the night before we learned about chemo and the change in diagnosis.
Almost seems like forever ago.
My first Hip Hop and Turbo Kick "marathon" with Katie.

I am not sure if and how I will be able to run or ever train for something with what we are facing as a family. I had really wanted to run Eugene this year and have my husband at the finish. I am torn on what I will do about this and how I will make it all work. I am trying to focus my pain into running or excercise but I am just not there, food seems a lot easier. I feel lonely when I run now. I have lost some of the joy. I cry a lot when I run. My foot still hurts.I thought about maybe creating a new play list and getting some weights. I need NEW...old reminds me of my old life.  I am not sure what to do. All of this is really not a priority but I know it will be important in helping me with my emotions. Not sure where to start or more important where to begin.

Today we are home with my three amazing kids and that is all I am really sure of.  Praying for peace and ENDURANCE for the long battle ahead. Thanks for all of your prayers and support.

Wishing you all much love and sweat,
H Love

28 comments:

Amanda@runninghood said...

Harmony,
I can't begin to understand what this is like for you. I can only imagine a bit but still... can't truly get it so I won't pretend to. I will say that my heart hurts for you. As a mother of three children, someone who is emotional and loves my husband so dearly, I would feel so close to broken...but you continue to stay strong...this is such a testimony to your faith and strength. I'm praying for you Harmony. I think of you more than I say. Praying for peace, endurance, hope.

Amanda said...

Harmony,

I wish I had the right words to say, but I know there is nothing. I hate this. I hate this giant your family is facing up to right now. But I see you and Ryan taking your stones in hand. I am praying so badly that something gives and this isn't the road you have to walk down. Don't give up any dreams, but follow your motto. If I knew I could keep up with you I would run Eugene half right along side you. If you need anything never hesistate to send me an email.

Kayla said...

Harmony,
There are no words that can even come close to taking away your pain, worry, and fears, but know that you have people all over praying for you and your family. May God grant you peace and strength as you go through this with your husband. Thinking of you.

Meredith said...

Love you. I'm here too :) You got me, you got my prayers. Hugs!

a runner said...

You are blessed with a heart filled with love and spirit steeped in hope. You are strong in ways and to an extent you never knew. And it blows to have to tap into those as deeply as they go. Know that they are limitless...your ability to love, your capacity to hope, the root of your strength. Sometimes I wonder if I sound (or read) like a total crackpot. What is in my heart and what I want to say sometimes gets muddled...but I think you know the gist. Harmony, I am always here. There is nothing too big in my life that would render me unavailable were you to call on me. Sometimes just having someone else hear your words and shoulder a bit of your pain can alleviate some of that overwhelm. I am always here. Use me. I would be honored.

Mandy said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you. Praying you will God's loving arms around giving you the strength you need to face this. Thanks for sharing this.

fancy nancy said...

My heart hurts for you right now Harmony!! I wish I could take it all away but I know I can't...instead please know that you are in my prayers as is your husband and children. Sending you BIG hugs from the East Coast!

Colorado Gal said...

I can't even begin to do anything that will make the pain go away or make things better for your husband and your family. I am so sorry to read this, and please know that all my thoughts are with you and your family.

Karen said...

Harmony, my heart is incredibly heavy for you and your family right now. Keep the faith...hold onto that mustard seed - know that there are LOTS of others praying for your husband and your family. Take everything one day at a time and keep looking ahead. I will be praying for you guys!!

megan.vining said...

I'm sorry that you are facing this difficult battle. It is so hard to understand why we are given this difficulty to face and endure. I want you to know that I am willing to fight with you- if that includes walking, running, laughing, crying, fighting and kicking! Please know here for you and to help you work through this.

mrsnice777 said...

(((((((((hugz))))))))))

Jamie

Kates @ Life on the Pavement... said...

Praying for you, your husband, and your family! May God give you the strength and wisdom to endure the times ahead!

Elizabeth said...

i know there are no words to ease your pain. I hope, that you can find that little break for you-if it’s a dance class, a walk, yoga, a run, whatever it is-something to try and give you those few minutes to try and clear your mind. i will continue to have yall on my prayer list. i wish i lived closer and could do something to help. hugs.

Tasha @Healthy Diva said...

Harmony I wish that there was something I could do for you. Just know that I am thinking about you and your family daily. You are strong and so is Ryan and you children. Lots of hugs to all of you.

Happy Running Mama said...

Harmony, my heart aches in reading this post. I can't imagine how you must be feeling and all that must be going through your head and heart. I pray that you will find strength in our faith and that God will be there with you every step of the way.

Julie D. said...

wish there was a way to even take an ounce of this burden from you. I hate what the next months holds for you. Makes me want to throw up, actually. It's just not ok for anyone to have to swallow this burden. Really as I type words, then delete, then write again, then delete...I realize there really are no words. Praying. That is all I can say, is I'm praying earnestly for you and your family. Much love, Harmony. I have something to send you from all of us down here. I will email you for your address.

Caroline said...

Oh friend...I was hoping you would not write THIS post. I am sad that you are in so much pain and that your husband has this fight ahead of him. I wish I could do something for you....I cannot imagine your pain but know that I think about you every day. I pray for you every day. you are at the top of my list. it's my family and than you and yours always. you are strong, I know you are. continue to write and dont keep all the crap inside.

Erica House said...

I am at an absolute loss for words. I will be thinking of you and yours all day today.

Amanda - RunToTheFinish said...

i know there isn't a thing I can do or say to make you feel any better. So I will be thinking of you and praying for your family and just know that even if we all can't be there physically we are out here ready to support in any way you need

hiker mom said...

SO sorry you and your family are going through this difficult time. You are in my prayers. Glad you have amazing loved ones to surround and support you:)

Michelle said...

Sending you, your husband and family prayers for strength and endurance to deal with the road that lies ahead.

Kristen Mercier said...

So sorry that you have to go through this. Sending many thoughts and prayers your way. It's not easy to be strong but I know you will make it through this.

Marnee said...

I don't think there is anything to be said that will take the emotions you feel away.

So I will simply say. I love you
I love Ryan and I believe in a God who knows how to blow our minds

to qoute my friend Jen "EFF CANCER"

Lastly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE

dreambigrunner.com said...

Harmony, I just heard about your blog through Fancy Nancy. I'm so sorry and I don't think I will have the right words to make you feel better. But I hope knowing somebody is thinking about you, makes you feel a little better. You are a strong woman!

SupermomE12 said...

Oh Harmony - I wish that there was something I could say or do to make this any easier - to take some of the burden and to be of some help. I wish I could watch your kids and make casseroles and drag you out for a run and let you cry on my shoulder. Just know that you have MANY people praying for you and lifting you up - and of course praying for your husband and family too. The only advice I can give is that while you are going through this tough time, focus on each day, one at a time, and make sure you really notice, enjoy, and appreciate all the small blessings that so often get "lost" when there are big big challenges in our lives. Hugs and love,
E

myheartscontentblog.com said...

I'm so sorry. I can't think of anything else to say except to promise to continue praying.

Molly said...

I've been thinking of you and your family, and reading the Team Davis updates on Facebook. I hate the fact that you must endure this, I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Sara said...

Much, much love and prayers coming your way. I can't imagine what you are going through and don't really know what to say other than I am asking God to remember you and your family.