I am not sure where to start but a friend suggested that I write through my feelings. I feel like I am a bit in shock and have some serious emotion sorting to do to figure out how I am going to process our latest news but here goes...
The pathology came back confirming that is was a return of the sarcoma in my husbands pancreas. The twist was that when they took it out it was hard as a rock. It was filled with calcification which made them to believe that it is now acting more like osteosarcoma. Osteosarcoma is some nasty stuff. Even though it is rare some people have heard of it. If you have a story about it good or bad please spare me. I can't deal with another story...they all seem to end bad. Either way we will probably never know for sure but they decided to treat it like it is.
The worst part of this is that they want to do chemotherapy. I am pretty sure all chemo is horrible but they braced us that what we are about to endure is the worst of the worst. It will result in my husband being HOSPITALIZED almost 3 weeks a months for 6 months. Yes you read that right.
I can't even believe I just typed that. For half a year my husband will not be able to work and instead feel like $#$%*. This hurts my heart so badly and I feel so angry that he has to suffer and that his children will suffer. Everyday I pray that God would take it all away and that he would be protected from any more of this crap.
We are fighters. God didn't give me a timid spirit. I will cling to hope and what's left of my little mustard seed as long as I can. Right now we feel run down, weak, scared and out of energy.
We are trying to enjoy a few weeks with our children before it all begins. As a mother and wife I don't know how I am going to do this. Just thinking about it makes me feel angry.
I have honestly been eating through my emotions and don't really care. Pounds are racking up but again I don't care. I have a hard time finding reason to push on at times. It all seems so overwhelming and I have zero tolerance for crap. Just sayin'
During our second week in Seattle (waiting for my hubby to heal) we stayed with some great friends (Katie and Steve). What was so amazing about this experience was that not only did out friends open their home and care for us but I was able to see my friends loved ones rally around her as well. Encouraging words and gifts felt like little blessings during some dark days. I was able to spend time with old college friends who loved on us as well and bent over backwards to help me navigate so many things. THANK YOU!
Katie is a fitness instructor and she had two back to back classes so she put me in this snazzy outfit (tiger claw shirt...WHAT?) and off we went. We did an hour of Hip Hop Hustle followed by an hour of Turbo Kick. I was a sweaty mess and full of tears by the end of it. It felt good to punch and kick and feel strong. I needed it so much and was so proud watching my dear friend lead the way. I have so much gratitude and thankfullness for this relationship. Katie was at the hospital almost every day (along with other amazing friends) and did all she could to provide distractions and support.
This pic was the night before we learned about chemo and the change in diagnosis.
Almost seems like forever ago.
|My first Hip Hop and Turbo Kick "marathon" with Katie.|
I am not sure if and how I will be able to run or ever train for something with what we are facing as a family. I had really wanted to run Eugene this year and have my husband at the finish. I am torn on what I will do about this and how I will make it all work. I am trying to focus my pain into running or excercise but I am just not there, food seems a lot easier. I feel lonely when I run now. I have lost some of the joy. I cry a lot when I run. My foot still hurts.I thought about maybe creating a new play list and getting some weights. I need NEW...old reminds me of my old life. I am not sure what to do. All of this is really not a priority but I know it will be important in helping me with my emotions. Not sure where to start or more important where to begin.
Today we are home with my three amazing kids and that is all I am really sure of. Praying for peace and ENDURANCE for the long battle ahead. Thanks for all of your prayers and support.
Wishing you all much love and sweat,