Monday, December 26, 2011

Moving but not Going Anywhere

Lovely L has been borrowing my phone and having her own photo shoots. Love the big baby. Just going for it...makes me smile and I definitely could use a smile today.


I just have a minute but wanted to blog for a bit hoping it will help me get out of my BLAH feeling day. Today has been tough. I got up and bundled up and went and ran 4.5 miles. It was cold but very peaceful. Sometimes too much quiet leads to thinking. I just feel like no matter what I do I can't get my "normal" back. Running, blogging, woorking or playing with friends...no matter what I do I still come back to the reality that my husband is fighting for his life. (darn you C word) We celebrated Christmas but it was rough because I so badly want to have a thousand more Christmas days with my husband but we just don't know. I know, I know stay in the moment but I am easily distracted.

I want attention and time from my hubby and feel myself losing my patience. (this could also be hormones..not the best time of the month) So I know I need to snap out of it. I am running and moving but it is the DREAMING part that I am losing. (I want this back...and I am 13.3 miles away)

Faith is a tricky thing. I know I need to trust in God but I am torn on what that looks like for 2012. I guess it is not tricky...I just need to TRUST!

Goals feel kind of silly?
For me, it is, "Will I be running a Marathon?" "Can I break 4 hours?" (so not important)

For my husband it is, "Will he be walking?" "Will we get a clear scan?"

I think I just need to mentally TRY to think this way. Or stay on my KNEES...PRAYING!
I WILL run a Marathon and my husband will be be there WALKING and we will be celebrating clear scans.

OK time is up, need to kick this funk and try to enjoy the "season".
Hope you all have had some great runs and precious time with those you hold dear!!

Keep On Keeping On

9 comments:

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

Faith. You said it right there. always easy to have in "good" times but actually practiced when times are challenging.

Praying for a wonderful 2012 for you and your family!

Molly said...

Hang in there, I wish much better times in 2012!

mommyrunfast said...

What a touching post. I'm so glad you are continuing to share your journey so honestly-- your feelings are completely normal, but I just can't imagine how challenging this must be for you! Part of faith and trusting is also knowing God is big enough for your questions/anger/fear... so don't give yourself additional guilt for the funk, hang in there!

Nicole said...

Hang in there. I am praying that 2012 will be a great year for your family. Faith is important! Your husband will beat his cancer and you will run another marathon!

eatpraytri said...

Sooo tough. I wish I could give you a big hug. I know how hard it is to trust, but God has you in his hands. Just curl in and be His child and let him take care of you. He will. Somehow He will be glorified in all of this, and your faith will be rewarded with joy. Unending joy. I know its hard, so hard. But nothing is too big for him to conquer. I will pray for the courage and strength for you for all of the above!!

misszippy said...

Oh, my heart really breaks for you. What you are facing is a new normal. That's what cancer does--reshuffles the deck. I totally get having a hard time w/ faith right now too. These are the times when Jesus is carrying you, not just walking beside you.

Big hugs and prayers.

Neon Blonde Runner said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

My thoughts are with you and your family, I really really hope that this new years has a clear scan in the works for your husband.

And I like how your kid took that cute little photo shoot with the dolls, that made me smile :)

SupermomE12 said...

On one hand I totally understand what you are saying about feeling like setting running goals are silly when your husband is fighting cancer. But on the other hand, setting those goals is part of what is going to make your life feel more "normal" and will help keep you healthy (emotionally and physically). I don't know your husband personally but I am sure he doesn't want you just sitting around taking care of him, worrying, and putting your own goals and dreams on hold. (Not that you are doing that). Your dreams and goals are still your dreams and goals, and still are important. I would say especially in this time that is so scary and stressful, you need this more than ever. Hang in there... you are doing such an amazing job and your faith is there, so don't forget to lean on it. We are all here too so lean on us when you need to. Big hugs.

Jill - Striving to Stay the Course said...

Praying for your husband, you, and your family!