Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Keeping On Fail

Quick escape with the fam the day before the scan....I was wearing my Rev3 hat so I am hoping that fishing and boat rides counts as training.
So if you have been hanging around my blog much you will know that is has been a tough year for my family. My husband was diagnosed with a rare form of sarcoma in his leg in the fall. The cancer was considered aggressive and high grade...words you never want to hear associated with the word cancer. We have pushed through while hanging on tight to each other and our faith.
Yesterday we had our "third" scan and first one post radiation. Long story but what we thought was going to happen did not happen. Ryan was wisked away with out much warning and I did not see him again for over 3 hours. 3 hours of waiting and I thought I was losing it. I didn't know why they weren't coming to get me. This was not the procedure we were use to. What was going on? I could only take an hour in the waiting room. All you see is people coming and going.  Weak, sad and scared. Fighting for their lives. Seeing the weariness of their loved ones and knowing how they feel. You are completely out of control so something little can feel devestating. God knew yesterday was not going to be my day. Unexpectedly I got a call from an old friend who my hubby and I both love!! He was in town for the day for business (randomly). He knew I needed someone and without hesitation he came. He sat with me and we chatted about nothing important but it was a much needed distraction. I was literally losing my mind and doing dips on a bench outside of the waiting room when he arrived. Love you B and thanks for not judging! :)
There are so many ugly things about cancer but the one thing that is so hard to share and express is that feeling of fear. B stayed for about an hour and had to go. So then it was back to dips and trying to not have a panic attack. I prayed off and on and tried to stay centered but it wasn't working. By hour 3 I was freaking out. So I went outside and began walking up and down the sidewalk. Another half hour passed and then finally I got a text from my hubby that he was done BUT they were concerned he may have a blood clot in his leg so we had to go to another office and get an ultrasound. The PET scan did a CT scan of his lungs at the same time BUT it did not provide contrast. I was so upset and tired and did not understand what the heck was going on.  This experience was nothing like our prior scans and I was losing it. My hubby was calm, tired and stressed. This is where the big FAIL comes in.
I was mad. I want to fight for another scan. I was tired of hearing that this should be "adequate"? I wanted to best. Hi def...details...the whole 9 yards. I didn't get to talk with docs with my husband. I felt shut out and alone. So I ran with this emotion and instead of bringing my hubby and I together it caused strain and stress between us. Were we suppose to be Happy? Scared? Relieved? This is the ugly part of cancer that no one talks about. The "this is going to be hell" on your emotions and relationship.The "no one gets this". The "why is everyone else living life as if nothing is horribly wrong".  I got lost in injustice and this was not good enough and forgot that I really just wanted to to hug and kiss my husband and run away.  Where was God? Why would my heart not stop racing?I know God was there as He always is but I gave in to fear and was lost in pain. The day dragged on forever. When we finally came home I was a bundle of tears.  Cancer causes you to build a wall and even thought the preliminary looks GOOD and CLEAR I couldn't find my emotions of joy and relief. I felt trapped and that I had let my hubby down. FAIL! I was having a hard time finding my hope.
God is good and restored both of our hearts over an evening of talking and tears (lots of tears).
We have to stay united when cancer does everything it can to defeat us. I feel better today but know it will take me a few days to let my wall tumble down.  Tired but refreshed and hopeful. I really wanted to get my feelings down on "paper" and hope sharing my failure and how God picks us back and up and offers forgiveness is a comforting reality. The next scan I will be more prepared I will fight smarter and stronger. God's light is bigger and brighter than any dark day!! I am know this and I am so excited to see what God has planned for Rev3 Portland only 4 days away.  I will get to see an amazing group of people who care about those fighting cancer...those hugs are going to be epic!
Today is a new day and praying that the phone rings soon with the words...."all clear".


Erica Elia said...

All I can say after reading that is, "Oh my." You and your husband will be in my prayers. What a day that was for you and him. I could not imagine going through something like that....what wait! I pray and speak healing for your husband and you will receive that phone call with those words! Erica

Jill said...

Those are very real emotions and it's not you failing your hubby at all! Few can understand what you're going through during this difficult time, which makes it even more difficult. So glad you had a friend come and join you. God is working, he knows your fear...

Love you, friend!
Praying for you and looking forward to spending some time together this weekend!

Cynthia said...

Praying for you and your husband during this difficult time. Sendings hugs!
Cancer sucks!

Marnee said...

Oh sweet friend, I know you may feel like you failed but I do not see it, nor do I think God does.

You are human with real emotions. I'm sorry yesterday was rough. I love you and cannot wait to see you in 3 days!!!!

Kris said...

I agree with Marnee, you did not fail!! You and Your Hubby are battling some nasty stuff and God is right there with you and He cares for you and will work things out for your good. Just continue to trust Him and remember that His grace and love are not based on our works or performance and that He loved and saved us even when we didn't know Him. Love you sister and I'll continue to pray for you and your sweet family. I'm hoping Miss Bean and I can come visit you in the next couple of weeks :) I can bring the jogging stroller and we can run :)

Jill - Striving to Stay the Course said...

I am typing this through tears, Harmony. You didn't fail. Don't believe the lie from Satan himself. You are human and God made us emotional :). You both are experiencing the unfathomable.
I am praying for you all and I am praying you receive the peace and healing that only He can provide---in Jesus' Name.
Can't wait to meet you. Forgive me if I cry when I do!! :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone that you are not failing and that you are human. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers!

misszippy said...

So sorry you had to go through this. You are not failing, though--you are being a caring, loving wife. You are human.

Cancer sucks and I hate that you had to go through this. Prayers for continued clear scans AND that you have a grab day in Portland.

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

Thanks for sharing this. There are so many people who don't have the strength that you do. They need all kinds of resources. And I know that "getting it out" helps so much when we know all we can really do is pray.

Cancer is tough. But no matter what name is given to the challenge that may take some one from your life, we will always be provided with the strength to endure. You didn't fail at all. You are human. An awesome human who is trying to be better every day. I pray for your family because I know that God is Good...every day.
I can't wait to see the status up date on FB....All Clear!!

On the Right Track said...

I cannot even begin to imagine what you must have been going through!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family ;)